As a child I was told 'finish everything on your plate. There are starving children in the world. How dare you be so selfish & not finish the food you have'.
When I was injured as a child I was given a treat, to make the pain all better. A lolly pop, or a biscuit.
Now I'm an adult, I'm obese, when I serve dinner I feel I have to finish everything on my plate, even if it's too much because my parent's words play in my head.
When I'm hurt, either physically or emotionally, I go in search of food to comfort me.
It's only now that I realise they set me up for a life long eating disorder when I was just a child. Taught me these bad behaviors that have stuck with me all these years. It's taken me 28 years to realise it, how long will it take to break this destructive behavior pattern?
Parents, don't do this to your children. When they say they are full, tell them 'that's ok'. Even if you have to occasionally send them to bed with less food than you think they should have, it won't kill them, it'll teach them to eat only when they are hungry and only enough to satisfy them.
When they are hurt, encourage them to talk about how they feel, to process their emotions and hug them. Do not teach them to quash their hurt with food. In the long run they'll probably come out the other end of their childhood better off for it.
I know I would have.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Thursday, May 12, 2011
21 month check up
Weight at last weigh in: 129.7kg
Current Weight: 128.5kg
Amount of saline in balloon: 1200ml
Amount added: 100ml
Amount lost since last entry: 1.2kg
Total Weight Loss to date: 23.9kg
So, Monday the 9th saw me back at the clinic for my 21 month check up. I knew I hadn't lost much, and there seems to be a massive discrepancy between my scales at home and theirs, so I wasn't looking forward to being weighed. By their scales I weigh 134.8kg, by mine I'm 128.5kg. Apparently my 6 month old scales need calibrating coz Taryn 'thinks' theirs get done pretty regularly. You'd 'think' that if they were done regularly they'd have been done at some point when she's been around?! I 'think' that their scales are set to make us think we're heavier and want to work harder. Though I might also just be paranoid and believe the world is out to get me at every turn!
Everything with Michelle went fine. My blood pressure and temp were all good and I got 100ml added to my balloon once she informed me that testing had been done and it was found that our balloons can actually hold more, safely, than they originally thought. So now, instead of my maximum being 1925ml I can go up to 2800ml. Sweet!
This fill has been really good actually. I had the normal indigestion/heart-burn pain for the first few days but it seems to be settling now. I can hardly eat anything at all! 1/2 - 1 cup of food is all I can fit in at a time and I'm full for a lot longer between meals. I'm really hoping that this is the level of restriction I always needed, and we've found exactly the right amount, but in the back of my mind there's the doubt. The concern that, this too, will begin to wain after a few weeks and I'll need yet another adjustment next time.
I keep meaning to do another video, to put on youtube, but I've been so sick lately that I can't even speak more than 4 words without coughing. I even coughed so hard today that I vomited. Not cool dude, really not cool.
Not much has been going on with me personally. I've just been working a lot and trying to have a life when I'm not there. I haven't managed to fit any dedicated exercise in for weeks. The last time I did was when I lost someone I thought was a good friend (back in February) and instead of eating the bag of m&m's that was sitting next to me at the time, I put on my runners and went for a power walk. I walked 5km in 45 mins. At least I seem to have conquered my comfort eating issues. I recognise now when I'm looking for food for comfort and I stop myself, either by going and exercising (though that's usually only when I'm comfort eating due to extreme emotional upset) or I distract myself by reading or doing something crafty.
Warren and Taryn are usually pretty happy with me, I've said all this before, but I changed my lifestyle early on and kept with the program so they don't usually have much to bitch at me about. I get the usual lectures about needing to either do more dedicated exercise or up my incidental exercise, for eg. at work. It's a little hard when your work is confined to a 3m x 5m rectangle of space! I do lift 6kg cartridges a few times each day, so my arms get a good work out and I have to take a few steps with them also. There's some incidental exercise!
I'm kind of having a dilemma with my 'dating' life at present. I know for sure that I want to have another child, as soon as this trial is over, but I don't know if I want to do that alone or with someone. I mean, with someone is preferable to alone but I've been alone so long now that I'm not sure I'd be able to share my life with anyone else. There is also all the self-esteem issues I have getting in my way. I never ask people out because I'm terrified of rejection, plus I think I'm ugly because lets face it, in today's society fat=ugly. I don't notice if someone is flirting with me, I just think they're being nice. I've had many friends tell me, after the fact, that someone was flirting with me and I had no idea! I think that's purely because I don't believe anyone would want to flirt with me so I don't look for it. I think I'm pretty, but all my fat gets in the way of that. After all I can't be fat and pretty, that just doesn't exist in our world right?
This is so hypocritical but I know, and have seen, many fat chicks who I think are just gorgeous and I'd date them myself in a heartbeat, but with myself it's different. I'm not the one wanting to potentially date myself, so my opinion isn't valid. The only guy who likes me exactly as I am, who embraces my fat and finds it sexy (I still believe there is something mentally defective with him on some level) won't date me. He's been my friend-with-benefits going on 3 years now, but he told me early on that there was no possibility of anything more. I still don't think I completely understand why that is. Either he's lying about finding me attractive (and doesn't want to have to introduce the 'fat-chick' as his GF) or he has some other issue with me that he doesn't feel like sharing. I know he's dated other people, and that hurt a lot at first. In the end I just decided to be in it for a good time not a long time. To take what was offered.
These days I'm not sure I want to settle for that anymore. I want to try and find someone but it's really scary. I don't want to try dating sites because I've been deeply betrayed by people before and don't trust strangers. Plus I honestly don't think it should take that much effort to find someone, should it?
Anyhoo, that's enough of my whining for now. I could go on forever, in the mood I'm in at the moment, but I'll leave you to it.
Hope you enjoyed today's edition of Cassi's-bitch-athon
xoxo
Current Weight: 128.5kg
Amount of saline in balloon: 1200ml
Amount added: 100ml
Amount lost since last entry: 1.2kg
Total Weight Loss to date: 23.9kg
So, Monday the 9th saw me back at the clinic for my 21 month check up. I knew I hadn't lost much, and there seems to be a massive discrepancy between my scales at home and theirs, so I wasn't looking forward to being weighed. By their scales I weigh 134.8kg, by mine I'm 128.5kg. Apparently my 6 month old scales need calibrating coz Taryn 'thinks' theirs get done pretty regularly. You'd 'think' that if they were done regularly they'd have been done at some point when she's been around?! I 'think' that their scales are set to make us think we're heavier and want to work harder. Though I might also just be paranoid and believe the world is out to get me at every turn!
Everything with Michelle went fine. My blood pressure and temp were all good and I got 100ml added to my balloon once she informed me that testing had been done and it was found that our balloons can actually hold more, safely, than they originally thought. So now, instead of my maximum being 1925ml I can go up to 2800ml. Sweet!
This fill has been really good actually. I had the normal indigestion/heart-burn pain for the first few days but it seems to be settling now. I can hardly eat anything at all! 1/2 - 1 cup of food is all I can fit in at a time and I'm full for a lot longer between meals. I'm really hoping that this is the level of restriction I always needed, and we've found exactly the right amount, but in the back of my mind there's the doubt. The concern that, this too, will begin to wain after a few weeks and I'll need yet another adjustment next time.
I keep meaning to do another video, to put on youtube, but I've been so sick lately that I can't even speak more than 4 words without coughing. I even coughed so hard today that I vomited. Not cool dude, really not cool.
Not much has been going on with me personally. I've just been working a lot and trying to have a life when I'm not there. I haven't managed to fit any dedicated exercise in for weeks. The last time I did was when I lost someone I thought was a good friend (back in February) and instead of eating the bag of m&m's that was sitting next to me at the time, I put on my runners and went for a power walk. I walked 5km in 45 mins. At least I seem to have conquered my comfort eating issues. I recognise now when I'm looking for food for comfort and I stop myself, either by going and exercising (though that's usually only when I'm comfort eating due to extreme emotional upset) or I distract myself by reading or doing something crafty.
Warren and Taryn are usually pretty happy with me, I've said all this before, but I changed my lifestyle early on and kept with the program so they don't usually have much to bitch at me about. I get the usual lectures about needing to either do more dedicated exercise or up my incidental exercise, for eg. at work. It's a little hard when your work is confined to a 3m x 5m rectangle of space! I do lift 6kg cartridges a few times each day, so my arms get a good work out and I have to take a few steps with them also. There's some incidental exercise!
I'm kind of having a dilemma with my 'dating' life at present. I know for sure that I want to have another child, as soon as this trial is over, but I don't know if I want to do that alone or with someone. I mean, with someone is preferable to alone but I've been alone so long now that I'm not sure I'd be able to share my life with anyone else. There is also all the self-esteem issues I have getting in my way. I never ask people out because I'm terrified of rejection, plus I think I'm ugly because lets face it, in today's society fat=ugly. I don't notice if someone is flirting with me, I just think they're being nice. I've had many friends tell me, after the fact, that someone was flirting with me and I had no idea! I think that's purely because I don't believe anyone would want to flirt with me so I don't look for it. I think I'm pretty, but all my fat gets in the way of that. After all I can't be fat and pretty, that just doesn't exist in our world right?
This is so hypocritical but I know, and have seen, many fat chicks who I think are just gorgeous and I'd date them myself in a heartbeat, but with myself it's different. I'm not the one wanting to potentially date myself, so my opinion isn't valid. The only guy who likes me exactly as I am, who embraces my fat and finds it sexy (I still believe there is something mentally defective with him on some level) won't date me. He's been my friend-with-benefits going on 3 years now, but he told me early on that there was no possibility of anything more. I still don't think I completely understand why that is. Either he's lying about finding me attractive (and doesn't want to have to introduce the 'fat-chick' as his GF) or he has some other issue with me that he doesn't feel like sharing. I know he's dated other people, and that hurt a lot at first. In the end I just decided to be in it for a good time not a long time. To take what was offered.
These days I'm not sure I want to settle for that anymore. I want to try and find someone but it's really scary. I don't want to try dating sites because I've been deeply betrayed by people before and don't trust strangers. Plus I honestly don't think it should take that much effort to find someone, should it?
Anyhoo, that's enough of my whining for now. I could go on forever, in the mood I'm in at the moment, but I'll leave you to it.
Hope you enjoyed today's edition of Cassi's-bitch-athon
xoxo
 | |||||
| The only 'professional' photo I have of K and I. |
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