Realisation

Weight at last weigh in: 133.1kg
Current Weight: 133.1kg
Amount of saline in balloon : 1610ml
Amount added: 0ml
Amount lost since last entry: 0kg

I realised something today, well that's not entirely true, I've known this for a while but I've been thinking more about it because of the events of today.

This morning started like any other, I slept in, again, and was in a mad rush to get dressed and out of the house on time. I got dressed, downed an all too hot coffee and propelled myself through my bathroom routine as fast as I humanly could. Brush teeth, straighten hair, put earrings in and finally apply perfume. Now, one would assume that during all this time in front of the bathroom mirror that I would have noticed 2 honking big zits on my schnozz wouldn't you? Well you'd assume incorrectly. It wasn't until 3 hours later, that I was eating my lunch at KFC and wandered into their facilities before leaving, that I finally looked at myself properly in the mirror and noticed the offensive pustules. It made me realise that I mustn't have really looked at myself this morning before leaving the house. Sure, I must have looked at myself in the mirror but only as much as was strictly necessary. To make sure my hair was right and that my teeth were clean but I don't 'see' myself. I don't look hard at myself in the mirror, I try my hardest NOT to notice anything about myself.

That got me thinking, why do I do this?

I believe it is a learned behaviour, after years of hating myself so thoroughly and not wanting to see how disgusting I believed myself to be in the mirror.
I once took a black eyeliner pencil and wrote all over my face, the words that I felt about myself. I wrote fat, ugly, useless, gross and worthless.
I realise now, looking back on that, that I was quite disturbed, even then!

I have always been in a cycle of self-loathing, as long as I can remember, so no wonder I have such an unhealthy and destructive relationship with food. I'm just surprised that food was enough for me, that I didn't turn to drugs or alcohol with any conviction. I did use them, recreationally, as a teenager as we all do. But it never got out of hand. I was lucky in that respect. I don't have an additive personality it seems, nor do I like to feel out of control. So drugs and alcohol never appealed to me in a long term sense. Food addiction is very different though, it's not like you can give up food, cold turkey. You need food to live, on a daily basis! How is one supposed to 'quit' that!?

I have done a lot of work on myself emotionally and mentally over the years, with help from many social workers and psychologist, learning to love myself. And I know I am an awesome person, basically if anyone else can't see that, then I see that as their problem not mine. I am who I am, I am true to myself and if I am going to be friends with someone they should appreciate that, and I will appreciate their individuality also. I don't have friendships that aren't even. There has to be give and take in equal balance. I don't allow myself to be used, I am not a 'doormat' as people say.

But I don't 'see' myself it seems. I think I'm going to need to do some work on that. Going to have to practice looking at myself in the mirror for a certain amount of time per day and get over this aversion. It makes no sense, especially as I lose weight and my face thins, that I not want to see myself any more.
So I will work on this and let you all know how I am going.

I was going through some old files and found some poems I'd written when I was a teenager, about how I've felt about myself. They don't make me cry though, funnily enough. I can remember feeling that way but now I have more distance from those feelings and can see that, in the context of a depressed teenager, they were the one thing that kept me from going truly insane.

Here are a few:

Is This Me

Who is this person,
Is this me?
The sky's so blue,
The world so huge,
All these little people,
Scurrying about,
Like tiny ants,
Does this all have a meaning?
Hardship and pain,
Joy too at times, for me so seldom,
Would people cry at my funeral?
Does anyone care that my mind is not here?
We all stare into the pit of dark unknowing,
What will come out of it?
A resolution,
Or just more torture?
Who are these people a I know?
My Mother, my Father
Brother and sister.
Are they all they all part of my imagination,
Do they really exist?
Do any of us?

Beach of Discontentment

The waves of emotions,
Come crashing onto the shores of my heart,
Eroding the layers away,
Exposing the fragile core,
Allowing the bottled up pain to flow out like acid,
Eating away at all I know,
Hopeless against it,
No way to contain the power that has been unleashed,
Nowhere left to hide,
And forced to over come it,
A task inconceivable to me,
If only I had some help,
Someone who really understood,
But no-one can,
Because no-one is me.
I feel ashamed,
Of everyday thoughts,
Keeping them to myself,
For fear of turning people away,
Is that what I want?
To prove myself right?
That no-one cares?
An excuse to give up?
Expectations are so high,
So why do I try?
Because I need the acceptance of others to survive.

My Life

I see a silhouette of how my life should be,
Hoping and praying,
Someday it will be reality.
My heart is filled with a heavy discord,
Blackened by the pain.
I am a porcelain doll,
Mishandle me and I crack and shatter,
Treat me well and I'll be around for ever.
I am now beyond repair,
Thrown aside, discarded,
Not bothered if I am ever seen again.

Mask


Who is this person,
In the mirror I see before me?
Is this me or a vessel I simply occupy?
Inside of me,
A war is being fought,
To be who I am,
True to myself,
And be ridiculed by the ones I love,
Or be someone I am not,
Who they want me to be,
A true illusion I hide behind,
Fearing to come close
Only to be pushed aside,
Unaccepted,
Until the day the real me,
May stand tall and proud,
But for now,
I must contain myself,
Behind this mask,
As scary as it may be

The silence within

Everywhere I go,
I feel so out of place,
Will I ever fit in,
Or am I just a waste of space?
Will someone please notice me,
I'm here!
Screaming in the shadows,
Silent cries of agony,
I always seem to deny.
It was time for me to take a stand,
To be heard and understood,
That didn't work,
So I die inside,
No feelings,
No emotion,
Not even enough to cry,
You see,
The drugs keep them inside,
Stopping them from flowing through my eyes.
How can I be happy with another,
When I am not happy within myself?
As much as I can feel love,
I don't know how to be loved.
It is inconceivable to me,
Why someone would want to love me.

Video 2 of my Vblogs

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Video Three Part 1



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Youtube Video Blog is now Avaliable to View

Happy Anniversary to me!!! It's been one year exactly since my surgery and I'm almost 20kg lighter! That's gotta be better than a kick in the teeth right?

I know I'd be 20kg heavier by now if I hadn't had this surgery so I'm just grateful for the opportunity to change my life!

As promised, my youtube video blog is now available to view.

Please feel free to comment, ask questions, rate and subscribe!

You can view the first video here. Keep an eye out for little boxes popping up (semi invisible ones at the top right hand corner) where you can click to view the next one in line.

Clinic Appointment 6th Juy + Adjustment #8

Weight at last weigh in: 135.4kg
Current Weight: 133.1
Amount of saline in balloon : 1610ml
Amount added: 100ml
Amount lost since last entry: 2.3kg

OK, so Tuesday the 6th July saw me back at the Obesity Clinic for my last 'monthly' appointment! From now on I will be seeing them every 3 months.

I am 800g off making my 20kg lost goal! 20kg in a year isn't a bad achievement I don't think! It's been slow, consistent and gentle, which I'm told is great for sustained weight loss.

I'll do something I haven't done before, and kind of tell you guys what I went through with each element of my appointments. They are 4-fold. I see;

Warren - Psychologist

Taryn - Dietician

Michelle - Nurse

and

Dr Layani - Surgeon


Warren:
This time I had to fill out a questionnaire. I had to do it at my first consultation, then again at 6 months (I think). They compare my answers and see how my over all mental well-being is going. Whether it's improving or not with my weight loss.
I hop on the scales and tell Warren my weight. He writes it on a print out that's all about me. He asks me questions off this sheet of paper...eg how have my sleeping habits been? Alcohol & Drug usage and exercise habits. We discuss what I should be doing and what I might be able to do to increase my exercise mentality and self-efficacy. He has a real thing about my depression being linked my self-efficacy. Which is always amusing for me, because he says it with a South-African accent.
He's usually pretty happy with me, I made my lifestyle change early on, eg fixed my food issues, so it's just mainly been about getting me out there and exercising more. At the moment I'm without a car so he agreed that I'm doing enough incidental exercise and I don't' need to be adding 'dedicated' exercise as well. He tells me I can do this, that I'm already doing well and that I'm a really pretty girl and so much will open up for me when I get to the end of my journey. I'm flattered of course, it's always nice to be told I'm pretty lol.
We agree that I need to use my pedometer more, which I VOW I will do...as soon as I find it! I mention my portion sizes have increased, and I'm having earlier dinners so Warren suggests I speak to Taryn about what I can do, maybe have a 4th meal.

Taryn:

I walk in, and weigh myself yet again. Her scales are 200g different to Warrens so I tell her to write down Warren's scale measurement :P.
We discuss my increased portions and decide that I need to have a larger lunch, really cram it in there or maybe have a milkshake with banana in it around 3pm. Maybe add some protein powder, but if I ever have to drink that crap again it'll be too soon so I agree to milk and banana...I'll add some vanilla essence too though.
I say I want a 100ml adjustment and Taryn agrees it could help.

I go out and wait to see Dr Layani, but Michelle comes and tells me she needs me to do a wee. lol. I have to have a pregnancy test. Joy... NOT. I go off with my little jar and do what is needed and as soon as I come back into the office and take a seat, Dr Layani calls me in.

Dr Layani:

I go in, he says hi and shakes my hand. Asks how I am doing, how much I've lost and if I need an adjustment. I tell him I'd like 100ml and he says ok. We go through to the 'procedure' room and I assume the position.
The 'Position' is laying on the bed, shirt up to my bra level, skirt pulled down to below my belly button. He feels around for my port then jabs a long needle into it.
I have to admit, that always feels weird. I can feel the port pushing into what ever organs are below it and it feels strange and foreign. He starts to push the fluid in and I can feel my implant getting heavier on my stomach. I can always feel it, I'm very in-tune with my body. Dr L mentioned that out of all the percutaneous placements he did (the procedure has been changed to laproscopically now)that mine is the one he got perfect. Which makes me feel great and terrible, because one of my friends is one he didn't get perfect and her balloon has to come out.
Once the adjustment is done Dr L says goodbye and slips back into his office.

Michelle:
She does my lovely pregnancy test, which comes up negative (it'd want to, I have a contraceptive implant which I had put in 1 month before my surgery). She then does my measurements and takes my temperature.

Then I get to come out and sign my form, so Dr Layani can charge Vibrynt for his time, and I finally get to leave!

I did get given a box full of tubes though to get my 12 month bloods done, so off I toddled over to the Pathology Collection Centre and they took 8 vials of blood!

Geez it's fun being a lab rat...NOT! I'm not funny with needles at all, I can even watch them going in, but having that much blood taken when you've had to fast (for both the adjustment and the blood test) isn't great for wanting to stay upright when you stand. I felt quite woozy after that and went and had some lunch.

I'm always told to stick to fluids for 24 hours after my adjustment, but as I've mentioned before I never do that and I'm just fine. When I try to stick to fluids I end up in heaps of pain. So I have a small amount of food and always feel heaps better.

So, over all it's quite an involved process! One that I only have to go through once every 3 months now! I will continue to update this blog though, when I remember, with my weight loss updates.

My next step is to purchase a set of scales that can actually read my weight and don't cost a fortune. The ones at the department store across the road were like $20 but only went up to 120kg. I'm still 13kg too heavy to weigh myself on them. The higher weight ones are around $50.

Will let you know how I go.