Realisation

Weight at last weigh in: 133.1kg
Current Weight: 133.1kg
Amount of saline in balloon : 1610ml
Amount added: 0ml
Amount lost since last entry: 0kg

I realised something today, well that's not entirely true, I've known this for a while but I've been thinking more about it because of the events of today.

This morning started like any other, I slept in, again, and was in a mad rush to get dressed and out of the house on time. I got dressed, downed an all too hot coffee and propelled myself through my bathroom routine as fast as I humanly could. Brush teeth, straighten hair, put earrings in and finally apply perfume. Now, one would assume that during all this time in front of the bathroom mirror that I would have noticed 2 honking big zits on my schnozz wouldn't you? Well you'd assume incorrectly. It wasn't until 3 hours later, that I was eating my lunch at KFC and wandered into their facilities before leaving, that I finally looked at myself properly in the mirror and noticed the offensive pustules. It made me realise that I mustn't have really looked at myself this morning before leaving the house. Sure, I must have looked at myself in the mirror but only as much as was strictly necessary. To make sure my hair was right and that my teeth were clean but I don't 'see' myself. I don't look hard at myself in the mirror, I try my hardest NOT to notice anything about myself.

That got me thinking, why do I do this?

I believe it is a learned behaviour, after years of hating myself so thoroughly and not wanting to see how disgusting I believed myself to be in the mirror.
I once took a black eyeliner pencil and wrote all over my face, the words that I felt about myself. I wrote fat, ugly, useless, gross and worthless.
I realise now, looking back on that, that I was quite disturbed, even then!

I have always been in a cycle of self-loathing, as long as I can remember, so no wonder I have such an unhealthy and destructive relationship with food. I'm just surprised that food was enough for me, that I didn't turn to drugs or alcohol with any conviction. I did use them, recreationally, as a teenager as we all do. But it never got out of hand. I was lucky in that respect. I don't have an additive personality it seems, nor do I like to feel out of control. So drugs and alcohol never appealed to me in a long term sense. Food addiction is very different though, it's not like you can give up food, cold turkey. You need food to live, on a daily basis! How is one supposed to 'quit' that!?

I have done a lot of work on myself emotionally and mentally over the years, with help from many social workers and psychologist, learning to love myself. And I know I am an awesome person, basically if anyone else can't see that, then I see that as their problem not mine. I am who I am, I am true to myself and if I am going to be friends with someone they should appreciate that, and I will appreciate their individuality also. I don't have friendships that aren't even. There has to be give and take in equal balance. I don't allow myself to be used, I am not a 'doormat' as people say.

But I don't 'see' myself it seems. I think I'm going to need to do some work on that. Going to have to practice looking at myself in the mirror for a certain amount of time per day and get over this aversion. It makes no sense, especially as I lose weight and my face thins, that I not want to see myself any more.
So I will work on this and let you all know how I am going.

I was going through some old files and found some poems I'd written when I was a teenager, about how I've felt about myself. They don't make me cry though, funnily enough. I can remember feeling that way but now I have more distance from those feelings and can see that, in the context of a depressed teenager, they were the one thing that kept me from going truly insane.

Here are a few:

Is This Me

Who is this person,
Is this me?
The sky's so blue,
The world so huge,
All these little people,
Scurrying about,
Like tiny ants,
Does this all have a meaning?
Hardship and pain,
Joy too at times, for me so seldom,
Would people cry at my funeral?
Does anyone care that my mind is not here?
We all stare into the pit of dark unknowing,
What will come out of it?
A resolution,
Or just more torture?
Who are these people a I know?
My Mother, my Father
Brother and sister.
Are they all they all part of my imagination,
Do they really exist?
Do any of us?

Beach of Discontentment

The waves of emotions,
Come crashing onto the shores of my heart,
Eroding the layers away,
Exposing the fragile core,
Allowing the bottled up pain to flow out like acid,
Eating away at all I know,
Hopeless against it,
No way to contain the power that has been unleashed,
Nowhere left to hide,
And forced to over come it,
A task inconceivable to me,
If only I had some help,
Someone who really understood,
But no-one can,
Because no-one is me.
I feel ashamed,
Of everyday thoughts,
Keeping them to myself,
For fear of turning people away,
Is that what I want?
To prove myself right?
That no-one cares?
An excuse to give up?
Expectations are so high,
So why do I try?
Because I need the acceptance of others to survive.

My Life

I see a silhouette of how my life should be,
Hoping and praying,
Someday it will be reality.
My heart is filled with a heavy discord,
Blackened by the pain.
I am a porcelain doll,
Mishandle me and I crack and shatter,
Treat me well and I'll be around for ever.
I am now beyond repair,
Thrown aside, discarded,
Not bothered if I am ever seen again.

Mask


Who is this person,
In the mirror I see before me?
Is this me or a vessel I simply occupy?
Inside of me,
A war is being fought,
To be who I am,
True to myself,
And be ridiculed by the ones I love,
Or be someone I am not,
Who they want me to be,
A true illusion I hide behind,
Fearing to come close
Only to be pushed aside,
Unaccepted,
Until the day the real me,
May stand tall and proud,
But for now,
I must contain myself,
Behind this mask,
As scary as it may be

The silence within

Everywhere I go,
I feel so out of place,
Will I ever fit in,
Or am I just a waste of space?
Will someone please notice me,
I'm here!
Screaming in the shadows,
Silent cries of agony,
I always seem to deny.
It was time for me to take a stand,
To be heard and understood,
That didn't work,
So I die inside,
No feelings,
No emotion,
Not even enough to cry,
You see,
The drugs keep them inside,
Stopping them from flowing through my eyes.
How can I be happy with another,
When I am not happy within myself?
As much as I can feel love,
I don't know how to be loved.
It is inconceivable to me,
Why someone would want to love me.