Bad Habits Rear Their Ugly Heads

Weight at last weigh in: 133.7kg
Current Weight: 129.7kg
Amount of saline in balloon: 1905ml
Amount added: 100ml
Amount lost since last entry: 1.1kg
Total Weight Loss to date: 4kg

So, I've been working full-time now for a little over a month, closer to 6 weeks, and I'm loving it.
There's no more sitting at home, bored out of my mind, eating everything in sight. I am eating better and more regularly. In general I'm quite happy!

The bad news is that whenever you think you are happy something or someone always comes along to ruin it. That person for me at the moment is my ex's sister. K's Aunty and I have never gotten along, since the moment we met. We've fought like cats and dogs of the years, well it's usually her causing shit and me trying to ignore her. She's the typical narcasistic personality type. Thinks everything revolves around her and her feelings. If someone says something they are 'fucking with' her or whatever. I don't even understand half the shit that gets her into a tizzy and don't care to try.

At the moment there is a big feud going on between K's dad and his sister (T) over an incident that may, or may not, have occured around 12 months ago. Long story short, K's Dad (S) told me something that he'd heard his nephew had done, T's son's (B). It was fairly disturbing to hear, especially seeing as my son is B's cousin, but I assumed she'd be a good parent and get her child the help he needed, wasn't going to hold it against the kid.

Since then, she has been up with her children many times on holiday and all the kids have played together. I've not had a problem with this at all. As I said, I assumed she had gotten B the help he needed and all was fine with the world. It's worth mentioning also that I could have gone the opposite way and refused to let K have anything to do with B, and I could have held it against the poor mite. I did not, I feel I'm a bigger person than some for not doing so.

Now, they have moved back to our town and are living only a 20 min drive away. I felt it was necessary to tell K what had happened "a long time ago" with his cousin so that a) K could watch out for B and if K noticed any odd behaviour he could feel safe in telling one of us so B can get some help before it gets out of hand and b) to protect K, letting him know that something happened, and not to get involved if B started those behaviours again.

I felt well within my rights to inform my child about something and someone that could potentially be a threat to him. I also told K that this happened a while ago so he needn't mention it, B had probably gotten help and was perfectly fine now.

K, being how he is with his ASD, blurted what I told him out to T when at her house one weekend around 3 weeks ago. T went off at K, yelling at him telling him that her son 'would never do such a thing'..... now when I heard this I was furious for 2 reasons. 1) As adults we should never EVER take our anger for another out on a child. That was despicable behaviour on her part and I will despise her more from now on because of that and 2) She's either burying her head in the sand over the "incident" or I've been told big porky pies by S. Either way, it wasn't K's fault and should never have been taken out on him.

I came home from work on Friday night to find a facebook message from her in my in-box saying

"i dont care what bull shit u tell your son but let me make this very clear u ever go around talkin shit bout my kids again and i swear ill fuck u up. how dare u go around sayin that B had **************** wtf where would u get such bullshit from. im so pissed off and dumbfounded that u can tell such lies to kaleb about his cousins. your a poor excuse of a human being and an even worse mother"

**** I have removed the details of the 'incident' to protect B. He is a child and deserves as much, especially if this said incident never occurred


For starters you can see she's none too bright just from the way she types, now there's 'txt' typing (which I use myself, but rarely) and then there's sheer idiocy and laziness...not sure which best describes her but lets move on.

Needless to say I wasn't all that impressed by this message, I'd just come home from a long day at work and had thought the whole issues was in the past. As mentioned previously, her yelling at K happened 3 weeks ago (ffs build a bridge and get over it already, I did!)

I left it for an hour, went over it again in my head. Calmed down a little, and rolled my eyes a lot, then replied

"Have you ever asked yourself why violence is always your go to threat? When has it ever helped anyone or accomplished anything to be violent? Perhaps you need to asses the way you conduct your life, you don't seem to be setting a very good example for YOUR children.

Now as to the issue with B. I can only go off what S has told me, which was that there was an incident between B and another child, ***************, if memory serves. This was from your brother, T so perhaps the issue is with him not me.

I told K because he has AUTISM T, he doesn't have the same common sense as other children, he follows along blindly with everything, is basically 3 years younger emotionally than his age, and finds it very difficult to express his feelings or stick up for himself. I wanted him to be aware that something had happened and, if anything, to watch out for B, meaning if he noticed anything to tell a parent so B can get some help if he needs it. I was being a good parent in warning my son about someone he is close to being a potential threat to him, or B himself getting into more trouble and K getting upset by seeing B in trouble.

I don't lie to my son, he doesn't believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy or God. All I did was pass along information I had been told by what I thought was a reliable source.

Now if you want to have a RATIONAL conversation about this then feel free to get in contact with me, otherwise let me return the favour and threaten you. If you EVER yell at my son like that again, making him that upset over something that appears to have been a misunderstanding (and essentially taking your anger for me out on him) I will make sure you never see K again. If I have to do that by taking S's access visits away until I can get a court order I will. I will do everything in my power to protect my child, especially from those who don't, and aren't willing to, understand his condition and limitations.

Again, if you want to have a conversation with me you know how to contact me. I will be blocking you from my facebook now. The last thing I want to have to deal with after a long day at work is finding threatening messages from you.

Cassi" 

T has now gone on the offensive and started attacking S, telling him he'll never see his niece and nephew again etc and he is blaming this all on me because I opened my 'fat mouth'. I don't see this as being anything I've done at all. If S has told a lie, then it's his fault. I had every right to inform my son about a potential threat to his safety, no matter who it is. If it did happen then T is denying it and she needs help to be a better parent coz pretending something never happened isn't healthy or helpful to anyone, especially not B!

I suspect though it's all been a big misunderstanding... he said, she said type thing.


S came very close to hitting me last night too, he's that upset about the issue, and I can tell you now if he had hit me then he'd never have seen his son again. A man hits me once and only once, I don't stick around to give him the chance to do it again. Not to mention I know my son, he wouldn't have wanted anything to do with his Dad any more either. S is upset at the wrong person. This is shit for him and his sister to sort out, but it's easier to blame me than it is to take responsibility and admit that either he's lied or that his sister is a crack pot.Shifting blame is just shirking responsibility.

I've written her a 5 page letter, explaining most of what I've written here, with a few more personal touches and details thrown in.

I'm letting the dust settle for a few days before I send it and hope they can sort their shit out. I will have done all I am willing to do to resolve the matter and I don't want to hear another word about it after that.

If I never see her again it'll be too soon.

Now after all that we come to the part about my bad habits rearing their ugly heads. With all this drama I've found I've been wanting to comfort eat more, but now that I've FINALLY made it under 130kg (applause please!) I've been trying to be 'good' about it. I've been substituting my normal sugary/chocolaty comfort foods with fruit, salad and veggies and I've been really enjoying it, especially the fruit! But tonight, I think I spent too much time dwelling on the issue and before I knew it I was leaving the supermarket with a packet of chocolate freckles!

I wanted to go for a long walk tonight, but circumstances just weren't in my favour. My son being a pain, me being cranky and my stomach being full of chocolate, which just made me feel guilty and more cranky so I had a small tantrum (half way around the block from home) and turned us around and came home.

I really need to get my comfort eating under control, it's something that kicks in with me, like auto-pilot. I get upset, I get chocolate and chocolate makes me feel better....until I realise I've eaten a whole block on my own and I feel guilty and upset again...then eat more chocolate to comfort myself! It's a big loop of emotional torture, and it doesn't make any sense either, I get that...you are probably all saying 'just don't eat the chocolate'. If you have the ability to do that then you don't have the same issues as I do and can't fully appreciate the magnitude of it. If you are nodding your head (either physically or metaphorically) to what I'm writing then you do can appreciate where I am coming from....any helpful suggestions would be GREATLY APPRECIATED! lol


xoxox Cassi

18 Month Clinic Check-up

Weight at last weigh in: 134.8kg
Current Weight: 133.7kg
Amount of saline in balloon: 1905ml
Amount added: 100ml
Amount lost since last entry: 1.1kg
Total Weight Loss to date: 18.7kg

So, today saw me back at the Clinic for my 18 month check up.
I've been unwell the past few days so I was not looking forward to leaving the house, but once I got in the car I resigned myself to just getting it over with so I could get back home and sleep some more!

I arrived in plenty of time, as usual, and took my seat to wait for my appointments. I usually expect to be kept waiting at least 20-30 minutes, so I always bring my iPod and my latest crochet project. Today I was finishing off a cute newsboy cap, in a lovely fluffy green yarn I scored on sale at Spotlight a few weeks ago, and ended up waiting so long that I was done with all I could do on it before I was even called.

Eventually though, Tarryn came out and called me into Warren's office, and followed me in. I very quickly grasped the idea that they were doing sessions together now...which they explained to me once we sat down. I had no problem with that at all, it seems a lot more efficient to me and I love efficiency!

We spoke about what more I can do, exercise and food wise, and in general were happy with me...they usually are. I hopped on the scales and found I'd lost 1kg since the last time they weighed me there. Taking into account the fact that I was wearing jeans and sneakers I reckon we really should have taken an extra kilogram off my weight for the weight of my clothes alone! But no, they don't do that...even though I secretly do!

Once I was done with them I went out and saw Michelle the nurse. She took all my measurements, asked me the routine questions about my medications, pain, nausea, reflux and food intake.

We spoke again about my fears that my balloon has moved and she agreed to ask Dr Layani about whether he thinks a follow up MRI just to check on it would be worth it. I'm hoping he does. I want to know how spot on my assumptions are, or completely off base (I'm not afraid to admit I could be wrong, I just don't think I am)

We discussed the fact that it might still be doing it's job, just moved slightly into a more comfortable position. I don't like this idea. I liked it better when I knew exactly where it was, and what it was doing because I could feel it whenever I consciously thought of it. Sure, it made lying on my stomach almost impossible but I knew where I stood. The Balloon and I had an understanding.

I don't like all this limbo, there's no communication between us unless I eat way too much, and then I fell like my liver is being restricted equally as much as my stomach. Not good people. Not good.

Michelle gave me a 100ml adjustment, to see if that helped any with my restriction. I hope like hell it does because now I'm only 20ml away from my maximum capacity.

Well, that was the highlight of my day today.

I came home and hopped into bed, haven't moved since. I write this to you, from my laptop computer whilst laying on my bed. It's only 8pm and I'm considering going to sleep!

I need to get well. One more day off work and I'm back to it, well or ill I will be there.

Wish me luck!

PS How are all of you going?

PPS Please feel free to ask me any questions at all...doesn't even need to be about the trial! I'll answer any and all questions with honesty.

PPPS I also did an update vlog for youtube today. Here it is 

1996, Age 14. What a tomboy and rebel I was!

New job and food struggles

*** DISCLAIMER*** This post was written a while back, a few weeks actually. I didn't feel it was finished yet so didn't publish it, but I've come to realise it is done. I've published it so I can write another, more recent blog update. That is why it will appear that I've written both of these on the same day! Enjoy, comment and rate!

So, thanks to a good friend, I now have a job! It's been well over 10 years since I had a job that lasted more than 3 day max. and it feels good to be a part of the work force again.

There are many reasons behind my absence from working life, the main one being my son and his special needs. When he was 18 months old I put him into Day Care 3 days a week, with the intention of getting a part time job. Two weeks into looking for said job it became apparent that I wouldn't be able to work. The day care providers would call me on my mobile almost every day that he was there, asking if I could come and settle him down, that they couldn't handle him, or asking me to just come and collect him outright because he was too upset. I realised that it wouldn't be fair to any employer for me to be taking off all the time, or at the very least taking calls from the day care all the time, and I'd probably soon lose any job I acquired so I resigned myself to the job of being a single parent, trying to survive on what little money we got from the government.

Years passed and Kaleb was finally in school full time. This, I thought, was the perfect time to get back into the work force so I set out looking for a job. Everywhere I applied, however, would take one look at my resume, which then had a 7 year gap in employment, and wouldn't even consider me for any position. I got a lot of rejection from employers with the main reason sighted as 'you have no recent experience'. Now, would someone please explain to me how I am to get any recent experience if no-one will employ me? It was a constant catch-22 loop that I couldn't get out of! It was also very frustrating, and I will be the first to admit that I gave up completely for a while there. There is only so much rejection one can take before you give up entirely.

Long story short, I met T through this blog actually. He's told me that when he was at home recovering from his balloon implant surgery that he googled it and came across my blog, then proceeded to sit down and read it all the way through! He then found me through Facebook and added me as a friend. Now this is where it comes down to a case of 'that was lucky'. I don't usually add people on Facebook unless I already know them or they write me a note with their friend request telling me how they found me and why I should add them. T didn't fit either of those categories but for some reason I still added him. To this day I still don't know why, but boy am I glad I did.

At first we chatted a little via private message and I was very wary. I've been burned so many times by new people (and old friends) that I'm now very hesitant of letting anyone new into my life, so when early on T suggested myself and my son come over for dinner one night with himself, his wife and kids alarm bells were ringing in my head. I admit I avoided him for a little while after that, and I believe I even told him that I just needed time to get to know him a bit better first.

Long story short, 5 or 6 months passed and I finally felt comfortable enough to meet T and his Family. He arranged for us to be able to go to Australia Zoo for the day, which was awesome coz I'd always wanted to take K and never been able to afford it. We had an excellent day, hit it off and became fast friends. I love his kids & wife and kick myself often that I didn't swallow my issues all those months ago and just meet them sooner!

And now, I have a job working for T. As a friend he is awesome...as a boss....well he's also awesome but can be a hard ass. I understand that though, our work relationship is different to our friendship but some days it is hard to separate the two relationships.

I am loving working, but I don't think my body is loving me for it. Lately I've been picking up every little illness that crosses my path. First it was gastro and then some sort of lung/throat thing that I think I've managed to escape the worst of! It's even worse because I am already sick, and have been for the past 12 months. I got a really bad lung infection, that lasted months no matter what my doctor gave me to get rid of it. In the end it took  two courses of heavy duty anti-biotics (the kind they use to treat malaria!) to get rid of it. My blood work though continues to mimic that of someone really unwell. My white cell count is through the roof and no matter how much iron I take I'm constantly anaemic. My doctor has not been impressed with my blood work at all for a while now, and every 6-8 weeks I get some kind of illness. Usually laryngitis/pharyngitis, lung infection or sinus infection. It then takes me 2-4 weeks to get over on my own, or 2 weeks if I take anti-biotics (which I don't like doing because it seems my immune system is already shot to hell!)

So I've gone about 10 weeks without getting any illness now, and I got 2 in one week! It sucks big time, coz I want to go to work! You find most people pull sickies to get out of work, where as I have to take sickies and hate it coz I do want to work! It's also not fair on my boss or co-workers, which makes me feel emotionally sick in addition to the physical sickness coz I know I'm letting them down and there's nothing I can do about it. I really wish there was a magic pill I could take to fix me, but sadly there doesn't seem to be.

My doctor has sent me for so many tests to try and work out what is wrong with me I'm not sure there are any left that she can do! I've had so much blood taken I could probably have saved 3 lives with it by now, I've had Xray's, MRI's and fluoroscopes ( these are in addition to the ones I have for the balloon trial!  I'm surprised I don't glow from all the radiation!) and my doctor continues to monitor my blood work on a monthly basis. Every time it appears that I am on the mend, my white cell count goes back up! Half the time I appear completely well, apart from the occasional migraine, constant fatigue and joint stiffness.

Anyhoo, enough of my baffling medical issues ( heaven knows I've had enough of it!) and lets get onto my food struggles.

Since starting work I've been finding it very difficult to motivate myself to cook, well anything really. The last thing I want to do once I collect K from either his Dad's or Vacation Care is cook a meal. I envy most men and single women (childless) the fact that they can mostly just come home from work and do what they want. Me, I have to deal with Kaleb which is especially trying if he's in a foul mood, I have to do laundry, dishes, tidying up etc because you can't just leave it for another day when you have children, it needs to be done or 'they' take your kids off you!!! I don't get to kick off my shoes, sit down and do nothing. I have to organise dinner, showers, clothes, dishes, lunches and make sure we both have clean socks and undies!  Most nights we have takeaway for the sheer convenience of it. I don't have to cook it or clean up the dishes afterwards. I don't have to listen to K complain about the food and I don't have to force feed him.

This also means though, that I've put on weight! Now that I'm working out of the house most of the day and not eating constantly (actually drinking a heap more water too!) I should, theoretically, be losing more weight right? Well, no. Actually I've gained 6kg. I can put some of that down to muscle gain, maybe, but the majority of it is from not eating right and not exercising at all. The very LAST thing I feel like doing when I finish work is going for a walk or a run. Usually my feet and legs are so sore and swollen that once I sit down of a night, I find it very difficult to get back up! Also, it's the last thing I want to do on my days off either! I use those days to get on top of some of my domestic duties and relax!

I do try to take my lunch to work with me, and most days it's something pretty healthy eg. salad wrap, left over stir fry or lasagne etc but there has been a lot of days where I've just bought my lunch from the cafe across the way. Now I do try and keep that healthy, a chicken salad roll etc but I LOVE their cheesecake and chicken burgers!

Heaven help me, but my sweet tooth is back...and she brought friends along with her!!!!

2010 Work Xmas Costume Party . I went as a 'Goth'